1st year. ♥

Exactly four months after I decided to start my so-called ‘waiting game’, (refer to blog entry dated 09/06/10) something happened: I met a guy. I met you. In cyberspace.

I know  it’s not your usual boy meets girl scenario in a bar, or in a coffee shop or even the classic ‘intentional dropping of handkerchief or books or whatever in front of a guy just to get his attention’ tactic and the list of romance novels-teleserye love story intro goes on and on…

These are so old school and corny if I may add…

So did we have a very magical beginning? Maybe not. And I don’t mind at all.

Yes. Everything started through a social networking site…

And I’m very much happy to narrate this not because I have to convince everybody that online dating is a good thing but because I am just delighted with our story.

It wasn’t love at first sight of course. And I don’t believe at such either.

But it was your first message that moved me, or was it just your style? :-)

You’ve got sense, very smart and knew how to get my attention. You’re not the usual, ‘Hi, can I get your number?’ or ‘I’m from this whatever planet, can we meet tonight?’ type of guy…  

You knew better than that. (hindi presko yung dating…)

And so after several exchanges of messages on that dating site, came the exchanging of info (YM names and cell phone numbers). I didn’t know back then that you’re based in Africa and I am not even sure if I am prepared to get into a long distance relationship….

But you are just so…ummm… very persuading… and as I said, you knew how to get around.

So, yes… after exchanging hi’s and hello’, how are you’s and I miss you’s online, through SMS and your expensive overseas calls, we finally decided to take a step higher. .. We became a couple.

It was January 24, 2011. (1:30 am Manila time/January 23, 2011 in Ghana… not sure about the exact time).  Almost exactly a year now.

Now, you probably have the slightest idea why I’m coming up with this blog, don’t you?

It’s our first year anniversary and this is my way of celebrating it…

God knows how I wanted to come up with a memorable first year anniversary celebration for us…I wish to give you more than just this blog. But I suppose this will do…for the meantime.

I may not be able to surprise you with my idea of a dinner date… or be with you on a vacation to celebrate this very special day…

But just the same…I’m so happy that God gave me ‘you’…at His perfect time.

Now, I understand very well why He let me wait this long because He was preparing someone so special like you to compliment someone as amazing as me.;-) 

I guess what I am trying to say is that…  I am just thankful and flattered to be yours and yours alone. I know I am being too mushy most of the time and I am not even sure if that’s a good thing or not… it’s  just my way of saying I love you too much that I couldn’t care less how it would make of me.

We had surpassed our first year together with minor bumps down the road because of petty fights, revelations and things like that. And I know that we would be facing more as we go along and move on to the next level of our relationship… I wouldn’t mind going through the pains of long distance relationship as long as I know that I have you to back me up.  (Di ba nga, partners tayo, kase pareho tayong henyo? Hehe!)

We probably did not start with a very whimsical foundation but I know what we have is a relationship that is bonded by true love and for me, that’s what matters most.

And as we face the years to come, I just hope and pray that we’ll be given a good deal of strength to understand more our differences, be more patient with each other (sa kaartehan ko at sa ‘pam-bu-bully’ mo…Ü) and for me to overcome too much worrying that you might eventually get tired of me or you might love me less because of my shortcomings… (It’s just over thinking, I guess.)

So before I get ahead of myself too much, let me just say it again (for the nth time)… I love you with all my heart, honey…and I promise to be with you forever as your best friend, chat mate, girlfriend and partner in life…

 —————————————–

 Here’s a slideshow that I made along with this blog. Hope you like it… it’s my first time to make something like this so bear with me. 

The background audio is one of my favorite classic songs…way, way back… and lately, I realized that it actually summarizes how I feel about you…about us…   (paki-google nalang yung lyrics hon so you’ll have an idea… Ü)

Happy 26th to me.

Happy 26th to me. Yun lang… bye! Heheheheh! 

Sabi nga nila: “Lilipas din yan..”  Tama naman, lumipas na lang siya ng paganun-ganun lang.

But at least, I am good. I am inlove and I am leaving my company. (nyahahaha, koneksyon?!)

Tomorrow’s another day, But I just can’t let my day pass without my yearly birthday blog.

I just want to shout out my Thank you’s to everyone who remembered my special day, those peeps who stayed with me during fun and rough times, for those I have just met this year and already became part of my life and for everyone whom I will yet to encounter…Thank you!

And of course, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, for putting up with my sometimes bratty attitude; for always being there for me even if I am too occupied with my daily routine. 

Thank you Lord for another year.. for sending me the best gifts everyday…the gift of life, the gift of comfort (in the form of my friends and family) and of course for sending me an angel, my Mr. Right, aka Mr. Rivera.. =)

Thanks for the great 2011. I had a blast! I hope and pray that it will go on until next year and the years to come… ^_^

The best ka talaga Lord! I love you!

Note to self: "Eh gusto mo yan eh! hahaha!"

Today, I’ll give myself a unique gift. The gift of liberation… the gift of letting go… and moving on.

I decided to quit my job. (I will need to render 30 days though…) for some, it might sound silly… But for me, it was the best birthday gift I could give myself. 

I have been thinking about this for the longest time, to leave office and go elsewhere…but there are just things that keep on pulling me back: Friends, great boss, incentives, familiarity with the environment and convenient schedule. (In that particular order. Ü) Oh yeah, those were the days… the good ‘ol days.

But now… things have changed big-time! It’s all: stress, memo-machine, so-so boss and oh-so-toxic schedule.

It was a tough decision though. Four years is still four years… It’s like almost half a decade of my life was spent in the company.

Well… who said that it’s gonna be easy?

And again, if I don’t do it now…I don’t think I will be able to do it anymore. I will just be stuck here forever; dragging myself to work everyday and eternally ranting about how stressful my job is.

And I don’t think that’s the career/work life that I would want to have…and I also don’t want to wake up one day, realize that this job is already taking hold of me and there’s nothing I can do about it. 

If I don’t have the fallback yet, it’s fine. (Its okay, God will make a way!)

At least, I am not yet at that point where everything is taking its toll on me. (Well…I think it’s almost there!)

And, I can still pat myself on the back; tell myself that I was brave enough to take that first step.

Who knows where will I be after this? I don’t. But whatever happens after this move, I am ready. I know I am. After all, it was my decision… one tough decision.

Note to self:  “Eh gusto mo yan eh! hahaha!”

 —————— this is very timely…i can’t help but re-post it. —————–

On this day, God wants you to know

… that decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step. You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times.

sleepy

Loneliness is terrible at this moment
it doesnt make sense
everyone seeems to be at ease with where
they are
But I’m not
and I guess will never be

10/29/07 (Training room. suuuper sleeeeppy…)

(I found this piece on my draft notes recently… I wrote this thing almost 4 years ago, when I was still a newbie/trainee at the company where I am still with right now. I didnt have any inspiration back then, I was just plain bored and sleepy. Well, I just thought that this is the best time to post this since it currently reflects my state of being. :l

i’ll see you again, ♥.

Few more days and I will have to go back to the place where I first met you… The airport.  This time, to send you off… And I know that its gonna take me some time to return to the normal things that I do.. without you. I know its just another 11 months of waiting (and regular texting and chatting through YM. Ü) and then we will be seeing each other again, but just the thought of not being able to see you or touch you makes me feel weak and miserable. well,  I just would need to probably get used to this set-up until such time that we are ready to settle down and live happily ever after. (i really, really hope so!)

 Thanks for all the wonderful gifts and moments and for everything you are.☺

I’ll see you again, hon. 

xoxo.

 Thanks for the everyday surprises (good or bad!) i really, really appreciate it. i♥u.

gifts!

   yihii…. i just received some lovely gifts from a loved-one abroad. *blush*

i am just so happy to have met you my love. This is probably the reason why God had let me wait this long, coz He is saving the best  for me. you’re without a doubt, my soul mate and my destiny.  (cheesyness?!) xoxo. ♥

pichur! :)

 wala naman talaga akong blog ngayon. Na-miss ko lang tong blog site ko, I tried tumblr…pero sumakit lang ang ulo ko. ang hirap i-manage. Dito nalang ako sa mas simple at mas tahimik na mundo ng i.ph

about this pic, wala lang… bored kase ako the other night so I decided to play around some old pics. And i loved the result, kaya pinagyayabang ko! haha! biro lang.

Yun lang… magiging busy na naman ako ulet… writer mode ulet ako this week. stressful pero rewarding naman. okay na to kesa naman tuluyan na kong mabaliw sa kaka-calls ko.  At least may diversion kahit papano.

old blogs!

who is she?

Ive seen this face so many times, in so many places…

And yet i dont seem to recognize the beauty that lies beneath

Instead i am seeing scars of loneliness and traces of betrayal

Hers was a youthful glow that has gone so many rough roads,

so little appreciation and almost nothing of compassion…

She reminded me of someone i used to love, i used to cherish…

and used to believe…

That of a girl that I was before..

The girl who has long gone and now became

shadow of the past…

And the shadow turned out to be a bittersweet memory

of a young dreamer and believer and of once hopeful…

And that girl…still exist…she is just around…

trying to find her place…

waiting to be loved and be wanted…

————————-

 whatever.

a little girl
out here in the rain
cold and lonely
scared and broken.

(ooops! these are just old blogs from my old friendster account… They dont  reflect my current state. I am well and good, in fact i am HAPPY!

the best valentines day ever!

So, Pebrero na naman.. ang panahon ng mga ka-kesohan at ka-mushy-han ng mga tao sa paligid.  Its that time of the year when everything seems to be associated w/ love, hearts, the colors red or pink and admit it or not, sexy time or para sa mga matatabil ang dila..jerjer time!

Mga panahon na pinakaiiwasan ko at ang least favorite month ko.

Ito rin ang mga panahon na nagpapaalala saken na, “teh anung petsa na? pang-ilang taon mo ng nagvvalentines mag-isa?” Pati nga yung planner kong (Puso lang yan, malayo sa bituka planner 2011) nakisawsaw din, oras-orasan ba naman ang February 14 ko?!

Pero sa hinaba-haba ng mga panahon na yun, natutuhan ko na ring matanggap sa sarili ko na ang valentines day ay isang araw lang at lilipas din pagkatapos ng 24oras. Then, back to normal na naman ang lahat… parang wala lang nangyare.. parang hindi lang nagkaubusan ng mga rosas sa mga flower shops ng dangwa o ng mga chocolates sa mga shelf ng mga groceries o naging fully-booked ang mga motmot! haha! (aminin nio yan!)

But my February 14 this year is so different! so much different from the last valentines day I spent alone! yes, im still alone. I am still single. I even wore black just to prove to myself  that I dont give a damn about this valentines day thing!(pero bitterness talaga ibig sabihin nun! lol.) It was still an ordinary day at work, except that a dozen of red roses in a pink bouquet was delivered to the office! at nabroadcast pa sa floor kase sinigaw ng boss ko na may delivery sa lobby for me! Di ba, ang haba ng hair ko?! and take note, it was ordered from Ghana, overseas ito! Ako na talaga!

This is the best feb 14 I ever had so far! And sana meron pang mas magagandang mangyare sa buhay pag-ibig ko sa mga susunod na araw, buwan at taon. Matagal-tagal na rin naman akong naghintay, siguro naman hindi na masamang humiling na maging masaya na ako this time.

Pinagdarasal ko talaga na nawa ito na talaga.. siya na… at wala ng iba.. ayoko na ng iba.

The signs are everywhere. May effort naman si kuya. At nararamdaman kong sincere siya.

I just hope and PRAY that this is really is it!

Sige na, hanggang dun nalang muna ang kwento ko…baka ma-bore ka na…

I dont wanna divulge too much info just yet.. baka ma-jinx eh! hehe!

Pero ngayon, masasabi ko na, hindi na ko bitter sa Feb. 14. Hindi ko na rin siya least favorite month at hindi ko na rin kakatakutan ang pagsapit ng buwan ng mga puso!   HAPPY HEARTS’ DAY EVERYONE!!! ♥

2011, please be good to me. ;)

‘Langya, umpisa palang ng taon… andame ko na kaagad hang-ups sa buhay. Sa career, (kung career nga bang maituturing ang pagtatawag ko…call center ha, hindi barker! haha!) sa pag-ibig (na olats pa rin hanggang ngayon!) at sa aking mental state…well, im still sane, wag kang mag-alala, dear reader…okay pa ko.. d pa naman ako nag-uuntog ng ulo ko sa pader or naglalaro ng  sariling laway… =) 

Medyo parang malungkot lang kase yung umpisa ng taon ko… Fed-up na kase ako sa trabaho eh.. nakakapagod na kase yung paulit-ulit na lang yung ginagawa mo kahit alam mo naman sa sarili mo na hindi ka naman masaya… to top it all, hindi ka pa na-aappreciate ng employer mo. Parang mas gusto nilang i-eliminate yung mga lumang empleyado kesa pag-ingatan kame.. (parang may pinagdadaanan lang talaga?) Feeling ko lang naman yun noh, wala akong balak maging spokesperson ng buong sangkatauhan ng kumpanya namen. Malay mo, yung iba masaya pa rin.. pero ako.. hindi na. 

Gustong-gustong-gustong-gustong gusto (1000x) ko na talagang makawala sa gapos ng call center industry… (haha! gapos talaga?!) Kaso lang, wala pa kong mapupuntahang aampon saken. Gusto ko na kasing maging manunulat ulet. Gusto kong mapatunayan sa sarili ko na may saysay yung pagkuha ko ng kursong Journalism nung college. Hindi naman ako magaling na manunulat eh.. at hindi naman lahat ng manunulat ay magagaling! Merong mga nakatsamba lang at may nahanap lang na magaling na ghost writer (aminin niyo yan!) merong may angking talento na talaga sa pagsulat at meron din namang nahasa nalang ng panahon. At gusto kong maranasan yun. Gusto ko yung pakiramdam na naiimprenta sa papel o sa internet yung mga artikulong pinag-isipan ko at pinagbuhusan ng panahon. Gusto ko talaga yun! (andame kong gusto noh?)

Kaso lang… mukhang malabo eh.. Nung isang araw nga lang sinubukan kong mag-apply para sa writer position sa isang kumpanya sa Makati. Takte! dalawa lang yung bakante, halos tatlumpo kaming nag-aapply.. haayy… asa pa ko diba? Yung kasabay ko ngang nag-exam, textbook editor and publisher pa.. (sige na, ikaw na! ikaw nang may alam sa pagsusulat talaga! lol.)

Ewan ko ba, ano kayang magiging 2011 ko? Sana lang maging masaya at makulay. Sana kahit isa man lang sa aspeto ng buhay ko masasabi kong may napupuntahan. Sa career, sana maging manunulat na ko.. o kaya naman sana matuloy ko na yung pangarap kong Master’s Degree o kahit man lang makakuha ako ng teaching units o kahit anong trabaho nalang abroad, okay na saken.. (o, ayan ha.. marami na yung choices.. )

Sa buhay pag-ibig naman, wish ko lang sana lubayan na rin ako ng malupit na epekto ng unreciprocated love! (anung petsa na?!) Sana maranasan ko na rin ang tamis ng pakiramdam ng nagmamahal at minamahal din in return… haayyy…

ayun lang naman… siguro, gusto ko lang talagang maging masaya… ang dami ko pang sinabi, yun lang pala yung gusto kong iparating… (spell pasakalye?!) 

GUSTO KONG MAGING MASAYA!!! Masama bang hilingin kong maging masaya? Mabuti naman akong tao eh, wala naman akong inaagrabyadong tao o aso…good listener naman ako tsaka hindi rin naman ako klepto…(anu bang koneksyon nun?!) Ah, ewan.. haayyysss.. *malalim na buntung-hininga…*

Bakit ba kase napaka-ilap mo saken, ha?  happiness?! 

  (haha! whatta picture! hope this face wont represent my 2011.)

Cheers to quarterlife! :)

  Let me start this by saying… Happy 25th birthday to me! Actually, it was yesterday.. But just what I’ve promised on my last birthday blog; I will spend it outside. And true enough, I was out the whole day…and I am not by myself… I was with someone… yihii.. Sounded like a date? Well sort of… but not really…oh whatever!

For so many months, I’ve been dreading to meet my 25th birthday.  I even deleted my year of birth on FB just so that nobody would know that I’ll be reaching my quarterlife come December 16th. Haha! Pathetic move! But it was surprising that I didn’t go through series of emotional turmoil, or even cried the night before it. I didn’t know why.. However, I was happy. It was something new.. No bipolar disorder attacks this time! lol! 

As usual, there are still those old jokes about me still being single at my age… and things that go with it. It was fine; I kind of anticipated it already.  

It was quite a happy birthday for me. No, there’s no party.. but there are no issues either, so it was more peaceful than last year. 

Greetings from family, friends and loved-ones are greatly appreciated! It meant so much! And the pre-birthday celebration in Eastwood City was fun! I guess that made the difference this time. Celebrating and welcoming my quarterlife with my fellow single bestfriends was far better than I had imagined.  

I guess, I’ll just end this by saying thank you again to my Creator for blessing me another sweet year. It was a wonderful 2010! I had so much fun, met so many people and experienced so many things! Hoping for a better 2011 and I’ll say it again… I hope it would be my year.

w/ my lovely bffs! love u girls!

"What happens in Bora, stays in Bora.. "

“What happens in Bora, stays in Bora.. ” Yeah right. I heard it so many times, even Anne Curtis once said this line in one of her movies. But how can we just leave it like that, how can it be just a memory when everything feels so surreal?

It was such an amazing experience that keeps on playing over and over my head… it was love at first sight! Yeah, I fell in love with the beach, the sand…and the people of Boracay the first time I laid my eyes on them. And I was loved and cared for as well. It was everything I’ve ever wanted! The thought of knowing that you’ll gonna get what you truly deserve was something that I’ve anticipated so much…

And I had it.. they didnt fail me on that note. However I was caught off-guard! I never expected it to be this much! The feeling was overwhelming; But leaving them after was one major heartbreak for me

What I had was so special…No pictures or souvenirs could ever replace those moments.. those memories… And I’m still loving every minute of it.

Yeah, pathetic, isnt it?!

But then as I look back, I realized these are all whats left of me: the picture of tranquility, the echoing sound of the sea breeze…the vivid image of his smile, his lingering touch and his love.

 I guess, this is just goodbye.

So long my starfish, farewell my artwork..

Goodbye, Boracay…  

Til we meet again…

And the waiting game starts now…

And the waiting game starts now…

For the longest time, I’ve been waiting, praying and hoping that a special someone, a Mr. Right, a prince charming or a knight in shining armor will come and sweep me off my feet one of these days.

Perhaps it has something to do with how I view things. Since I was a kid, I was already exposed to watching romantic comedies, reading romance pocketbooks and seeing love teams singing so sweetly on variety shows. I am frequently surrounded with friends who are happily married or in a relationship status or has so much dating frenzy to share (I guess its just the downside of having too many pretty friends around. lol!) I was made to believe that life would be much happier if you have that special someone by your side. Could be true. But how would I know? I’ve been single for the rest of my life.

In three months time, I’ll be turning 25. And man, I can already hear the mockery from my ‘in a relationship’ friends to get a man and have fun. It can be hurtful sometimes, but then what can I do? It’s just natural for them to think that way. (One time, one of my college friends even told me to just get a girl and try if its going to work out .lol!) I know..I am not getting any younger, most or if not all of my batchmates are all starting or had started to build their own family and I, on the other hand… still single, available and not even dating anyone.

I’m beginning to lose hope and confidence with myself. Maybe I’m just not attractive. Maybe I don’t deserve to be happy or maybe I just don’t deserve someone at all. I might have done something wrong in my past life to deserve this.

I don’t know…

But then again, I could be just being impatient. I maybe wanting something to happen on my preferred time. Perhaps I am just not letting time to take its course or worst, I am hindering God to do His way.

I came across one episode of 700 Club Asia one time, the story is about how one girl patiently waited for God to move in her life and how she let Him write her love story… and how marvelously God was, it was really a perfect love story! I was inspired. Deeply inspired. It was such a great story! And then the next day, upon switching channels I again came across almost the same testimony from a school guidance counselor who had almost accepted her fate as a spinster but God was there all along, He was writing her love story and was just waiting for the perfect timing to introduce her to that someone He had prepared for her.

So it made me think again… it was not an accident that I happen to see these TV episodes. God was speaking to me. He answered the question that I have kept deep inside me for the longest time. And it was to WAIT patiently and faithfully.

Yes, all I need to do is wait. God will give me the greatest desire of my heart in His own way and in His time.. In His perfect time.

I heard these phrases so many times and yet I still refused to believe it.

I guess I was just being selfish. I was just so busy looking after myself and what I think I should deserve not realizing that someone up there is much more excited to write the love story of my life and for me to watch it unfold in His perfect time. 

“Singleness is an opportunity to allow Christ’s gentle arms to encircle our hearts and discover how very much He loves us.” - When God writes your love story

OH… :o

Oh light.. How can you be so blinding and yet you let me see through things?

Oh darkness.. How can you be so terrifying and yet you let me find solace?

Oh happiness.. How can it be so easy to find you but so hard to keep?

Oh you.. How can you make my day and then ruin it at the same time?

Oh me.. How can I be so stupid to fall for you and think that I’m smart enough not to let you know?

Oh life…How can you be so ironic and yet so easy to understand?

Oh.. damn it!

takte ka!

Takte! nagpakita ka na naman! leche ka talaga! okay na ko eh… almost over you na nga yung drama ko eh..nabura na kita sa friends’ list ko sa FB tapos nagparamdam ka na naman… urgh! Gusto mo talagang nasasaktan ako noh? Pero sige na, di na ko magppaka-plastik, masaya naman ako kase nakita kita ulet. Masaya ka rin naman na nakita mo ko eh, diba? Feeling ko nga, namiss mo ko eh…(assuming!) Kahit na pagkatapos ng maikling kwentuhan na yun eh nalungkot na naman ako kase nakita kong kasama mo na naman siya. Hay, ganun naman yata talaga, kung sino yung taong sobrang nagpapasaya sayo, siya rin yung taong nagpapaluha sayo. (emo much?!) Gusto ko pa sana ng maraming kwentuhan, gusto ko pang makipagbiruan at makipag-kamustahan..Gusto kong tanungin kung nag-lunch ka na ba? Kung saan ka nagbakasyon nung holy week at kung bakit namumutla ka? Kung may sakit ka ba…haha! koneksyon?! amputla mo kase kanina nung nagkita tayo. siguro stressed out ka na..di ka siguro niya inaalagaan ng mabute, sana kase ako nalang pinili mo para ako nang mag-aalaga sayo. (caregiver lang?) 

 Ewan ko ba, bakit ang hirap mong kalimutan. Pang-asar ka rin kase eh, kung kelan kala ko pwede na kong mag-move forward, bigla ka namang ssulpot sa harap ko at mapapa step backward na naman ako. Panira ka talaga ng diskarte.. but you know, your such a sweet distraction.. ayan, compliment na naman yan para sayo. Sige na, ikaw na lang talaga! ikaw na ang bida sa buhay ko..kahit na alam kong extra lang ako sa buhay mo. 

 Waah! Kelan ba kase ako makakawala sayo? dalawang taon mo na kong ginaganito ah.. bakit ang sama-sama mo? at bakit ang tanga-tanga ko? at bakit ko bino-blog tong mga kalokohang to? haha!

Any kasagutan? Tulong please…

happy birthday Kat! :)

I woke up lonely. Actually, I’ve been feeling lonely for the past few days.. I am being emotional again. Its always been like this. Everytime I turn a year older, I’m feeling lonelier. Sa di ko malamang kadahilanan. Siguro kase tumatanda na ko…tumatanda na ko pero wala pa rin akong napapatunayan sa sarili ko. Hindi naman ako ganito dati eh. Ewan ko. Siguro nga may sakit talaga ako. Matagal ko nang hinalang may Bipolar Disorder ako eh…dapat na siguro talaga akong mag pa tingin sa isang espesiyalista eh.

 Pero iba ngayon. Mas malungkot. I spent my whole day at home. Walang ginawa kundi matulog lang. Yung nanay ko, nag-abalang magluto pero hindi naman pala para saken…ipapakain niya pala sa mga churchmates namen. Show off?! Lalo lang tuloy akong na-badtrip! Sana pala hindi nalang ako nag-file ng Vacation Leave. Sayang lang! Na-convert nalang sana siya into cash! tsk. tsk. tsk. wrong move talaga!

 Pero hayaan mo na nga..patapos na rin naman ang araw. Bukas hindi ko na birthday. Pero hindi ko na rin uulitin to. Next year, If I’m still here..I’ll make sure na super busy ako sa birthday ko. Yung tipong uuwi nalang ako para matulog. At least, hindi ko mararamdaman yung lungkot, yung emptiness, yung feeling na mag-isa na naman ako. Pano naman kase, bente-kwatro anyos na ko pero single pa rin ako until now. ‘Yung mga batchmates ko, nag-uumpisa ng magbuo ng pamilya…tapos ako..ganto pa rin. MAG-ISA! Nag-ma-mall mag-isa, nangangarap mag-isa, umiiyak mag-isa..parati nalang mag-isa! Siguro nga, panahon na para isipin ko at tanggapin ko sa sarili ko na ito na talaga ko…NO CHOICE! Naku naman, ang korni talaga! walang lablayp, walang matinong career..WALA! Erna! walang kwenta!

Sa isang banda, may saya pa rin naman ako. (Bipolar nga talaga!) Bakit? Kase marami pa rin nakaalala sa birthday ko. Salamat sa regalo ng facebook kase kung hindi nakabalandra yung birthday ko sa homepage, malamang hindi rin naman nila matatandaan na may isang Kat Menes na nagbbirthday ngayon. Thanks friends! you know who you are! hehe! (Tsaka ‘he’ greeted me! haha! so high school!) At siyempre thank you kay God because there’s another year for me. 24 years na kong pakalat-kalat at pampasikip sa mundo. Salamat din sa kanya because it was quite a good year din naman kahit papano, kahit may mga konting issues and all. I just wish that 2010 will be a better year for me and hopefully, this will be my year.

 Oh well, it was still quite a happy ordinary birthday. Until next year!

not okay…

Six months ago. i was okay. i was content with what i do, with what i have and what not
although there are times that i am wishing for more but that doesnt affect me so much that it demotivated me.
then came my most dreaded happening. the re-shuffling. teams, managers and alike.

I felt terribly sad. but you know…things happen and
maybe i need to move on and give myself and my new mentor a chance.

But things are gradually changing now. I seem to be struggling with my new shift,
coming to work became a dragging experience and my everyday encounter with her is becoming stressful.

Well maybe im just over reacting. Im just so used with my previous manager’s way of things. Because with him, he let
us do our way. He treated us as grown-ups. He corrects us in a mature way. He always highlights our achievements and
coaches us in a way we wanted to be coached.

Ive been with a lot of supervisors for the past 3 years of my Call Center agent career and this is the first time that I
felt so stupid and helpless as a person. I maybe have  no right to judge her ways. I never been a supervisor myself but as
they say everyone can have the credentials to be promoted but not everyone has that ‘people skills’. And maybe thats what
she is lacking. Try as she may,she will never have that. Sad to say it is already innate to a person .

Maybe several months are enough for them to prove to me that its worthy to be with the company. That I ought to stay with
where I am right now. But instead, they gave me reasons. reasons to leave and find my place somewhere else. The thought
that they may not be able to defend me ticks me off…big time! Perhaps, I am no longer wanted and needed here. Maybe 2
years is enough. 2 years of temporary refuge with my company is all I’ve got.

I don’t know. I’m still not okay. And i don’t think its politically correct for her to ask me if im okay..because
she already know the answer to her stupid question. (obvious ba? HINDI AKO OKAY!!!!)

But at least Ive got my friends. at home and in the office. They’re my support group. I just love the feeling that
I am not alone. I still sleep peacefully. I still have them to back me up… and whatever it is I’m going through right now,
I’m sure it will end up as God’s plan…whatever it may be.

*sigh*

I’ve been feeling so down these past few weeks. I dont think I can go on without blogging this. Its been a roller coaster ride for me. At first, I thought I was having a good time. I finally found the person I’ve been thinking of for the last 9 months or so. I thought I’ve totally gotten over him but i was mistaken. I still love him. I am still deeply inlove with that person.

For a moment, I was really ecstatic. I am feeling happy again after several months of  grieving over our almost love story. We were exchanging Hi’s and Hello’s again, goofing around, and emailing each other. Sharing stories about how our day was and all that  stuff. I felt that we were starting again. Just like before,  just like when we were first introduced to each other.

But then for the second time around, it came to a halt. He decided to put a stop on it. I’m not sure if its intentional or what, but he’s no longer responding to my emails. I feel I wasn’t ready yet. I thought we were getting somewhere. But we’re not. It turns out that I am the only one believing that we have a future, that the friendship that we started is going to be something deeper. Again, I was mistaken.

I don’t think he feels the same way. And I’m no longer interested to know. I’ve felt this all before. The same exact scenario: The thought that he was into me, but turns out that he was dating someone else. This time, there’s no dating part..but still, he is not into me. ;(

I can almost hear my friend telling me to go for it. Fight for the feelings I have for him because maybe…just maybe…he feels the same way too. But after all these, I don’t think I really have a fair chance of winning his heart. I’m not even sure if there’s really a chance for the both of us.

I just hope and pray that I could move on and be over him completely (hope its for real, this time!). So that the next time we see each other, I will no longer feel the schoolgirl blush and the trembling of my knees. (Darn! I hate that feeling!)

That the next time we bump into each other. I can look straight into his eyes, punch him on the side and could tell him that: “Not so long ago, I fell inlove with a dumb ass boy who didnt give a shit about me…so I went off and let go of the feelings for him and decided to look for somebody else who will care for me…And guess who that dumb ass is? It was you..”

*sigh* I feel better now.

best actress :(

She is such a fine actress.

Because she is an actress. A great actress.

–depressive disorder mode na nman si kat– ^..^

life.life.life

Its sad to know when I know what I want, I know what I need but I can’t get it. I’m not even close to trying to achieve it.

Why? Because I need to prioritize other things. I need to make sure that the needs of my loved ones are given enough attention. I have to make sure that we can survive the day and the coming weeks, months and years.

I just have to be there for them. I’m badly wanting to further my studies. To get my MA…but sheessh! just thinking about the amount that I’ll be spending makes me just wanna forget all about it.

There’s a lot of things to think about. To consider. My responsibilities…bills…and all that shit.

Damn!  If I could just provide them everything they need without exhausting too much from myself, I’ll be the happiest…

I want to live a life. I want to experience the beauty of it. I badly need a life!

I just need some breather. Is that too much to ask? *sigh*