OH… :o

Oh light.. How can you be so blinding and yet you let me see through things?

Oh darkness.. How can you be so terrifying and yet you let me find solace?

Oh happiness.. How can it be so easy to find you but so hard to keep?

Oh you.. How can you make my day and then ruin it at the same time?

Oh me.. How can I be so stupid to fall for you and think that I’m smart enough not to let you know?

Oh life…How can you be so ironic and yet so easy to understand?

Oh.. damn it!

takte ka!

Takte! nagpakita ka na naman! leche ka talaga! okay na ko eh… almost over you na nga yung drama ko eh..nabura na kita sa friends’ list ko sa FB tapos nagparamdam ka na naman… urgh! Gusto mo talagang nasasaktan ako noh? Pero sige na, di na ko magppaka-plastik, masaya naman ako kase nakita kita ulet. Masaya ka rin naman na nakita mo ko eh, diba? Feeling ko nga, namiss mo ko eh…(assuming!) Kahit na pagkatapos ng maikling kwentuhan na yun eh nalungkot na naman ako kase nakita kong kasama mo na naman siya. Hay, ganun naman yata talaga, kung sino yung taong sobrang nagpapasaya sayo, siya rin yung taong nagpapaluha sayo. (emo much?!) Gusto ko pa sana ng maraming kwentuhan, gusto ko pang makipagbiruan at makipag-kamustahan..Gusto kong tanungin kung nag-lunch ka na ba? Kung saan ka nagbakasyon nung holy week at kung bakit namumutla ka? Kung may sakit ka ba…haha! koneksyon?! amputla mo kase kanina nung nagkita tayo. siguro stressed out ka na..di ka siguro niya inaalagaan ng mabute, sana kase ako nalang pinili mo para ako nang mag-aalaga sayo. (caregiver lang?) 

 Ewan ko ba, bakit ang hirap mong kalimutan. Pang-asar ka rin kase eh, kung kelan kala ko pwede na kong mag-move forward, bigla ka namang ssulpot sa harap ko at mapapa step backward na naman ako. Panira ka talaga ng diskarte.. but you know, your such a sweet distraction.. ayan, compliment na naman yan para sayo. Sige na, ikaw na lang talaga! ikaw na ang bida sa buhay ko..kahit na alam kong extra lang ako sa buhay mo. 

 Waah! Kelan ba kase ako makakawala sayo? dalawang taon mo na kong ginaganito ah.. bakit ang sama-sama mo? at bakit ang tanga-tanga ko? at bakit ko bino-blog tong mga kalokohang to? haha!

Any kasagutan? Tulong please…

SERIOUS MODE

       THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG..WITH ME. AS ALWAYS! I AM SHUTTING OFF MY FRIENDS, TEMPORARILY..I WANT A TIME ALONE FOR MYSELF, BUT REALIZED THAT THATS NOT WHAT I NEEDED.. WHAT I NEED IS TO LET THIS ALL OUT. YES, I AM HURTING…SO MUCH THAT I WANNA EXPLODE, SO PAINFUL THAT ITS CAUSING ME SLEEPLESS NIGHTS..OR DAYS..(I’M A CALL CENTER AGENT, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!) I GUESS, I JUST WANNA SAY SORRY TO MY BESTFRIEND…MARE, YOU KNOW THAT I NEVER MEANT ANY HARM WHEN I MESSAGE YOU LAST TIME, ITS JUST THAT..THERE’S SO MANY DISAPPOINTING THINGS THAT OCCURED PRIOR TO THAT..AND I HAVE TO ADMIT, I’M A BIT UPSET..WITH YOU, WITH SOME OF MY FRIENDS..WITH THE CIRCUMSTANCES, WITH THE UNEQUALITY OF LIFE AND MOST OF ALL..WITH MYSELF. UNTIL NOW, IM STILL TRYING (SO HARD) TO MEND MY BROKEN HEART. YOU JUST DON’T KNOW HOW DEVASTATED I AM WHEN THESE THINGS PILED UP. I CAN NO LONGER CRY…I DON’T HAVE ANY CHANNEL TO LET THIS OUT. THERE’S NO YOU AROUND..THERE’S NO FRIENDS AROUND…I FEEL SO ALONE. 

        MAYBE, I HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS, I WAS SO USED TO DEPENDING MY HAPPINESS W/ MY FRIENDS AND WHEN THEY ARENT ABLE TO DELIVER THAT KIND OF HAPPINESS, I GET DISAPPOINTED. AND END UP LOSING MYSELF..

happy birthday Kat! :)

I woke up lonely. Actually, I’ve been feeling lonely for the past few days.. I am being emotional again. Its always been like this. Everytime I turn a year older, I’m feeling lonelier. Sa di ko malamang kadahilanan. Siguro kase tumatanda na ko…tumatanda na ko pero wala pa rin akong napapatunayan sa sarili ko. Hindi naman ako ganito dati eh. Ewan ko. Siguro nga may sakit talaga ako. Matagal ko nang hinalang may Bipolar Disorder ako eh…dapat na siguro talaga akong mag pa tingin sa isang espesiyalista eh.

 Pero iba ngayon. Mas malungkot. I spent my whole day at home. Walang ginawa kundi matulog lang. Yung nanay ko, nag-abalang magluto pero hindi naman pala para saken…ipapakain niya pala sa mga churchmates namen. Show off?! Lalo lang tuloy akong na-badtrip! Sana pala hindi nalang ako nag-file ng Vacation Leave. Sayang lang! Na-convert nalang sana siya into cash! tsk. tsk. tsk. wrong move talaga!

 Pero hayaan mo na nga..patapos na rin naman ang araw. Bukas hindi ko na birthday. Pero hindi ko na rin uulitin to. Next year, If I’m still here..I’ll make sure na super busy ako sa birthday ko. Yung tipong uuwi nalang ako para matulog. At least, hindi ko mararamdaman yung lungkot, yung emptiness, yung feeling na mag-isa na naman ako. Pano naman kase, bente-kwatro anyos na ko pero single pa rin ako until now. ‘Yung mga batchmates ko, nag-uumpisa ng magbuo ng pamilya…tapos ako..ganto pa rin. MAG-ISA! Nag-ma-mall mag-isa, nangangarap mag-isa, umiiyak mag-isa..parati nalang mag-isa! Siguro nga, panahon na para isipin ko at tanggapin ko sa sarili ko na ito na talaga ko…NO CHOICE! Naku naman, ang korni talaga! walang lablayp, walang matinong career..WALA! Erna! walang kwenta!

Sa isang banda, may saya pa rin naman ako. (Bipolar nga talaga!) Bakit? Kase marami pa rin nakaalala sa birthday ko. Salamat sa regalo ng facebook kase kung hindi nakabalandra yung birthday ko sa homepage, malamang hindi rin naman nila matatandaan na may isang Kat Menes na nagbbirthday ngayon. Thanks friends! you know who you are! hehe! (Tsaka ‘he’ greeted me! haha! so high school!) At siyempre thank you kay God because there’s another year for me. 24 years na kong pakalat-kalat at pampasikip sa mundo. Salamat din sa kanya because it was quite a good year din naman kahit papano, kahit may mga konting issues and all. I just wish that 2010 will be a better year for me and hopefully, this will be my year.

 Oh well, it was still quite a happy ordinary birthday. Until next year!

not okay…

Six months ago. i was okay. i was content with what i do, with what i have and what not
although there are times that i am wishing for more but that doesnt affect me so much that it demotivated me.
then came my most dreaded happening. the re-shuffling. teams, managers and alike.

I felt terribly sad. but you know…things happen and
maybe i need to move on and give myself and my new mentor a chance.

But things are gradually changing now. I seem to be struggling with my new shift,
coming to work became a dragging experience and my everyday encounter with her is becoming stressful.

Well maybe im just over reacting. Im just so used with my previous manager’s way of things. Because with him, he let
us do our way. He treated us as grown-ups. He corrects us in a mature way. He always highlights our achievements and
coaches us in a way we wanted to be coached.

Ive been with a lot of supervisors for the past 3 years of my Call Center agent career and this is the first time that I
felt so stupid and helpless as a person. I maybe have  no right to judge her ways. I never been a supervisor myself but as
they say everyone can have the credentials to be promoted but not everyone has that ‘people skills’. And maybe thats what
she is lacking. Try as she may,she will never have that. Sad to say it is already innate to a person .

Maybe several months are enough for them to prove to me that its worthy to be with the company. That I ought to stay with
where I am right now. But instead, they gave me reasons. reasons to leave and find my place somewhere else. The thought
that they may not be able to defend me ticks me off…big time! Perhaps, I am no longer wanted and needed here. Maybe 2
years is enough. 2 years of temporary refuge with my company is all I’ve got.

I don’t know. I’m still not okay. And i don’t think its politically correct for her to ask me if im okay..because
she already know the answer to her stupid question. (obvious ba? HINDI AKO OKAY!!!!)

But at least Ive got my friends. at home and in the office. They’re my support group. I just love the feeling that
I am not alone. I still sleep peacefully. I still have them to back me up… and whatever it is I’m going through right now,
I’m sure it will end up as God’s plan…whatever it may be.

*sigh*

I’ve been feeling so down these past few weeks. I dont think I can go on without blogging this. Its been a roller coaster ride for me. At first, I thought I was having a good time. I finally found the person I’ve been thinking of for the last 9 months or so. I thought I’ve totally gotten over him but i was mistaken. I still love him. I am still deeply inlove with that person.

For a moment, I was really ecstatic. I am feeling happy again after several months of  grieving over our almost love story. We were exchanging Hi’s and Hello’s again, goofing around, and emailing each other. Sharing stories about how our day was and all that  stuff. I felt that we were starting again. Just like before,  just like when we were first introduced to each other.

But then for the second time around, it came to a halt. He decided to put a stop on it. I’m not sure if its intentional or what, but he’s no longer responding to my emails. I feel I wasn’t ready yet. I thought we were getting somewhere. But we’re not. It turns out that I am the only one believing that we have a future, that the friendship that we started is going to be something deeper. Again, I was mistaken.

I don’t think he feels the same way. And I’m no longer interested to know. I’ve felt this all before. The same exact scenario: The thought that he was into me, but turns out that he was dating someone else. This time, there’s no dating part..but still, he is not into me. ;(

I can almost hear my friend telling me to go for it. Fight for the feelings I have for him because maybe…just maybe…he feels the same way too. But after all these, I don’t think I really have a fair chance of winning his heart. I’m not even sure if there’s really a chance for the both of us.

I just hope and pray that I could move on and be over him completely (hope its for real, this time!). So that the next time we see each other, I will no longer feel the schoolgirl blush and the trembling of my knees. (Darn! I hate that feeling!)

That the next time we bump into each other. I can look straight into his eyes, punch him on the side and could tell him that: “Not so long ago, I fell inlove with a dumb ass boy who didnt give a shit about me…so I went off and let go of the feelings for him and decided to look for somebody else who will care for me…And guess who that dumb ass is? It was you..”

*sigh* I feel better now.

best actress :(

She is such a fine actress.

Because she is an actress. A great actress.

–depressive disorder mode na nman si kat– ^..^

life.life.life

Its sad to know when I know what I want, I know what I need but I can’t get it. I’m not even close to trying to achieve it.

Why? Because I need to prioritize other things. I need to make sure that the needs of my loved ones are given enough attention. I have to make sure that we can survive the day and the coming weeks, months and years.

I just have to be there for them. I’m badly wanting to further my studies. To get my MA…but sheessh! just thinking about the amount that I’ll be spending makes me just wanna forget all about it.

There’s a lot of things to think about. To consider. My responsibilities…bills…and all that shit.

Damn!  If I could just provide them everything they need without exhausting too much from myself, I’ll be the happiest…

I want to live a life. I want to experience the beauty of it. I badly need a life!

I just need some breather. Is that too much to ask? *sigh*

"Thank you for calling, my name is…"

 Eto na naman ako..napapraning na naman. Nalulungkot. Naiiyak. Nabubwiset kase hindi na masaya sa kakasagot ng mga tawag ng mga pasyente este ng mga kliyente galing sa Tate. Pagod na sa pagiging perky at friendly sa tuwing bibigkasin ko ang opening spiel kong: “Thank you for calling, my name is Kat..How may I help you?” Sawa na sa kuta naming kung tawagin ay Call Center. Hay, pang-ilang libong beses ko na bang sinabi to? Pero, surprise! andito pa rin ako…Ewan ko ba, ang hirap kasing iwan eh. Hindi ko naman afford na maging tambay for life, baka naman kase pag ginawa ko yun eh magdildil na lang ako ng asin at manirahan sa kalye sampu ng pamilya ko. Sabi ko naman kase…ayoko na talaga. Maghahanap na lang ako ng disenteng trabaho.(Para namang hindi disente ang call center?!) Yung tipong office hours, 8am-5pm. May heavy traffic, may araw na sumisikat, may normal na nag-oopisina…weekend restdays. Mga ganun… Kaso, I got the best schedule last year, morning shift. Tapos, I had the best teammates and team leader pa kaya nawaglit sa isip ko yung naunang plano. Eh kaso ngayon, dahil masyado daw akong pinagpala last year, binigay naman saken yung hindi kagandahang shift. Alanganing morning, alanganing night. 3:30am-12:30pm. Okay na rin sana kahit papaano. May kaunting avail paminsan-minsan. Kaya lang…malungkot pa din ako. Hindi na kase katulad ng dati. Ngayon, umiiyak na naman ako habang namamalantsa ng damit (dati habang naliligo lang..hehe! ) Siguro matagal naman na talaga akong hindi masaya sa ginagawa ko, nagkataon lang na nakatagpo ako ng mga tunay na kaibigan sa pagkatao ng mga teammates ko kaya I was able to go on. It might sound cheesy…pero, one of the reasons why I go to work is because of them. Money is still the top reason, of course. Hay, miss ko na yung maingay na closers sa floor. Maingay pa rin naman ngayon pero hindi na yung pamilyar na ingay na naririnig ko. Ibang personalidad na yung nagdadaldalan at nagtatawanan. Ibang mga pangalan na yung tinatawag. Ibang kwento na rin ang pinag-uusapan. Wala naman talagang nagbago. Nasa floor pa rin naman sila. Hindi na nga lang kame magkakasama sa team. Nag-aaux pa rin naman ako dahil sa coaching, meeting, pee break o dahil gusto ko lang mag-petiks. ACW and Hold pa rin ako kapag queueing. Nag-s-sick leave kapag may sakit or kapag feeling ko may sakit ako. VTO kapag may offer. Namumura at nasisigawan pa rin naman ako ng mga customers kong kala mo eh kagagaling. May mga mabubuting customers rin na nag-ko-commend kapag natulungan ko sila or natuwa sila saken ng bonggang-bongga..sana lang pwedeng i-convert sa cash yung commendation nila kesa i-email pa sa floor. I don’t need that 10 minute fame, I need cash. hehe! Ewan. Siguro, madrama lang talaga ako. Maulan kase eh. Sarap mag-senti, mag-muni-muni at mag-inarte. Kelangan ko lang siguro ng diversion. Tagal na rin kase ng huling bakasyon ko. Kailangan ko munang mamundok kahit mga 3 days lang siguro. For the meantime, I just need to learn how to move on…and embrace the change. Yuck! di bagay! hehe!Ü.

HURTS LIKE HELL

Damn! It just hurts like HELL! I just wished i didnt ride the same elevator where they at kanina. Sana nagkunwari nalang akong may nakalimutan at nagpaiwan nalang. Ang hirap magpanggap. Ang hirap ngumiti. Ang hirap makipag-usap na parang wala lang.
Naman! ang saket kaya nun! Ipakilala ba naman ako sa girlfriend?
Putek talaga! Saksakin niya nalang kaya ako?

Parang naririnig ko nga si Taylor Swift na
kumakanta ng ‘Teardrops on my guitar’ sa background eh.

I have nothing against him or the girl. Eh masaya sila eh, may magagawa pa ba ako? Pero naman..hindi ba pwedeng hindi ko na lang sila makita? kase naman, tuwing magkikita kame, pakiramdam ko palagi..LOSER yung dating ko.

Hindi ko na nga naubos yung breakfast ko kanina kase nasa pantry din sila. I have to rushed my meal just to avoid them. Ayoko naman ng kaaway eh. Wala naman akong galit sa girl, after all…hindi naman kame magkakilala personally (although, magkakilala na kame kanina…)

Ayoko na lang ng pain. I’m hurting enough..ayoko nang dagdagan pa. It hurts to know that they are together. It’s painful to realize that we CAN NOT be together…Triple pa yung sakit kapag nakikita ko silang masaya. Yun lang yun.

Gusto ko lang mag-move on. Gusto ko lang maging masaya.And if moving on would mean not seeing him again..then so be it.